I didn't mean for it to be so long between posts, but life has a way of catching up to you, and that's very true for me, especially these days.
Counseling continues and it is a process. There are steps forward and then there are steps behind. I had honestly hoped and thought that by now there would be some sort of resolve one way or other, but we are still "a work in progress".
I've been reminded, numerous times, that patience isn't one my virtues, so the wait-and-see aspect of this all has not been easy for me. As sad and true as it is, I am a planner. I want to know what the future holds and I want to plan it to best benefit myself.
The only thing I can plan right now is how to take care of myself. Michael has to find contentment within himself and as much as I want to be there for him, ultimately he has to find happiness with himself, as I do in myself. When we both find that happiness, apart or together, we will also become better parents to our children.
So, I've got a couple of things I want to explore to take care of myself.
The first thing is massage therapy. I don't have any significant physical aches and pains, but I'm looking at it as more of a stress reliever. A couple of months ago when things were particularly difficult, I saw my family doctor. After a talk, he prescribed me an anti-depressant, which I reluctantly got filled. I researched it a bit and talked to countless people to garner their opinions. I ultimately decided not to take the anti-depressants. I want to make it clear that I am in no way passing judgement on those who choose to take and benefit from them. After weighing the pros and cons and doing a bit of self-analysis, I just didn't feel it was right for me at the time. So, I was interested in pursuing a non-medicinal way to stress relief. I've never had a professional massage, but I'm told it's WONDERFUL. But being the worry-wart I am, I have two concerns. One is that I'm EXTREMELY ticklish. Does it tickle? What if I squirm and wiggle myself right off the table? Will the massage therapist think I'm a complete idiot? (I had a pedicure a few months ago and that was pretty much a nightmare). The other thing is, I have trouble lying on my stomach. I always used to be a stomach sleeper, but had to have thoracic (chest) surgeries almost 20 years ago when I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Disease, and it was impossible to sleep on my stomach after that. Yes, it healed, but even then I found it difficult to sleep on my stomach and have been a side or back sleeper ever since. I don't even lie on my stomach on the beach.
Another thing I want to try is bottling my own wine. (I said
non-medicinal, not
non-alcoholic!) My sister and parents do it and they say it's pretty easy. I enjoy a nice glass of wine and although it's a lot of money at once, it comes out much cheaper in the long run than buying individual bottles at the liquor store. I just wonder if I will drink more (thereby NOT making it cheaper in the long run) if it's more easily acesssible. Hmmm...I think I'll take the risk--you know, for the sake of my stress level and all. :)
The last thing I've looked into is a yoga class. There is one in the spring at my neighbourhood community centre that I'm thinking of joining. Again, I don't really know much about yoga. I have this vision of peace and serenity and chanting and stuff and that's all good, but I think the reality is that yoga is much more difficult physically than I am imagining. So, I'm still sort of toying with that idea. Registration doesn't start for another month, so I have time.
So, that's it. I have said to many people that, one way or other, I'm going to be a better person at the end of the counseling, no matter what the outcome is. That's my goal and I hope I'm making progress toward it.