Bullets

Time to post some items of interest (or maybe not, but you're getting them anyways...) that aren't quite interesting enough to warrant their own post.

• My house is still standing and my children are still alive. That's important to report because, as a follow up to my previous post, they have been left alone for two times for about an hour each time. Both times occured on weekends during the day to allow me time to run some errands. Now they're clamoring to be left alone during the evening or night. While they and I are not ready for that yet, I'm happy with my decision to put some trust in them and give them a shot.
• I started a new course--English 1. A portion of the assignments are written reports. It would be nice if I could just hand in posts from this blog. Unfortunately, I can't--I had a look at the outline and the reports are very specific. A lot of it is grammar-based, which I don't anticipate a problem with, but I'm especially nervous about the oral presentation portion. Thankfully, it can be submitted electronically, so I don't have to look at any scowling faces--I just have to figure out how to use a microphone on my computer.
• Christopher is growing up and I'm reluctant to let it happen. The other day, two girls knocked on the door looking for him! He wasn't home, but we saw them sort of skulking around the neighbourhood and eventually, they found out where he was. He was being stalked! And how bold is this? They actually went to THAT house and called on him. While I can get on board with the stalking thing (yes, I've done stupid things in my past that makes me not even think this is weird...), I certainly was never brave enough in grade 5 to ring a doorbell of a complete stranger looking for a boy who didn't even live there! When I talked to Chris about it (and of course, I HAD to!), he just shook his head and sighed. He's such a boy!
• Michael and I have been to two counseling sessions. I'm not sure what to say about them. They've been difficult, interesting, nerve-wracking and a relief all at the same time. They're definitely not how I anticipated them to be, but at the same time, I know it was silly to think I could write the script for them before I went. Are they helping? Sometimes I think so, and sometimes I'm not sure. But, I'm doing OK. I can't predict our future with any certainty and it's a process we're going through.
• I need to start laughing again--and more often. That's my short-term goal for now.

Home Alone

Lately I have spoken to a few parents who have children in and around the same ages of mine who have started leaving them alone for short periods of time. I haven't had the courage or really, the opportunity to do it with my guys, but I'm starting to consider it.

Chris is 10 1/2 years old. I know that when I was in Grade 5, I would come home from school at lunchtime, make my own lunch and get myself back to school with no parental supervision because they were both at work. To the best of my recollection, there were never any issues (except when friends who stayed for lunch would come home with me and I don't think I ever quite told my parents--but nothing ever happened...). They stay at school for lunch, so it's not the same situation, but I wonder if they'd be OK for an hour or so if I had to go away on a weekend or something.

Chris is very responsible and I think he knows the right things to do. There are courses that are occasionally offered in staying alone and the next time one comes up, I intend to register him for it.

My hesitation comes in leaving them both alone together. What if they kill each other while I'm gone? What if Andrew goes outside and Chris is so wrapped up in something he's doing that he doesn't realize it?

I know I would have to instill rules and make sure they aware of how to handle emergency situations. And of course there's the always effective threat of "if you can't follow the rules while I'm gone, you will have to come with me to wherever I go--and that includes looking at ladies clothes!!!". Yup, that one ought to work. It always did for me (but the threat was more likely a fabric store or a bedding department...).

So, I'm interested in hearing from anyone who has children, no matter what their ages. When did you start leaving your kids alone? If your kids are around the same ages as mine (8 and 10), have you left them alone or are you considering doing so? Can you share any tips?

Would you leave these two alone in your home?

Unexpected

So, my life has had an unexpected turn of events.

Michael and I have had some long, not-always-easy conversations over the past three evenings and have decided to seek counseling for our marriage. Timing is everything, isn't it?

I am feeling lots of emotions about this. I am still extremely guarded and we both have huge trust issues that will need to be addressed. I am nervous as hell to sit with him in front of a counselor, because I don't know how it will go or what his reactions will be. Communication hasn't been our strongest suit lately. And counseling can't work if you don't open up--so that will be an interesting process. I am also sort of excited at the prospect, because I really hope through this process we will be able to find our way back to each other and rediscover the qualities that attracted us to one another in the first place.

I know after everything that has happened, there are those who are skeptical that this will prove to be successful. And I don't think I am going into it with false hopes. While I am going into this with the best of intentions and will give it all I have, I will still be protecting myself to never have to go through the pain of the past two months. I can't help that.

If I there is a positive side to the past two months, it will be that I know I don't NEED him in order to live my life. I have my kids, family, friends, and a decent job and I have myself. What I hope comes out of this is that we choose to have each other because we want each other to be there...not because financially or "for the kids", staying together is the best option.

He isn't moving back in at this time. The kids are not being told that "daddy is coming home". I am not wearing my rings. We are taking things one hour, one day, one week at a time and seeing where things go.

I Wish I Had Said That...

There comes a time when you must stand alone.

You must feel confident enough within yourself to follow your own dreams.

You must be willing to make sacrifices.

You must be capable of changing and rearranging your priorities so that your final goal can be achieved.

Sometimes, familiarity and comfort need to be challenged.

There are times when you must take a few extra chances and create your own realities.

Be strong enough to at least try to make your life better.

Be confident enough that you won't settle for a compromise just to get by.

Appreciate yourself by allowing yourself the opportunities to grow, develop, and find your true sense of purpose in this life.

Don't stand in someone else's shadow when it's your sunlight that should lead the way.

(I'm not sure I truly believe all this yet--but I'm trying... I really wanted to post this as a facebook status--but it was too long...)

Back At It...

Well, I don't know if anybody is still reading, but it's time to get back at this thing.

There has been a reason for the absence, and there's probably a reason for starting to write again--I'm just not sure what that is, but hopefully it will turn out to be something positive.

Over the Christmas holidays, Michael and I separated. Things started going badly in November (or probably well before that) and as much as I hoped they would turn out differently, they haven't. We decided to wait until after Christmas to tell the kids or make any major decisions. I wish the timing could have been better, but things rapidly detiororated in the weeks preceding Christmas and we told the kids on Boxing Day. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and I wonder how much I changed who my children are on that day.

I have been seeing a counselor and my family and friends have been solidly behind me.

I am a mess of emotion. At times I am terrified, at times I am furious, at times I am confident and at times I am very sad. These feelings often change from minute to minute and I can't predict anything anymore.

I don't intend on airing my marital dirty laundry via this blog because out of respect for the children and also for Michael, I don't think it's the appropriate thing to do.

My main goal in writing on this again is to hopefully look back on these posts one day and see how far I've come. Right now, that seems like a REALLY long way away.

I'm also intending for every post to not be a whining, crybaby session. Life goes on and the boys and I have one to live. I'd still like to share our everyday comings and goings and hopefully some of the old Susan is still in there and capable of sharing these things. (But the whining ones will still show up from time to time, I'm sure...)

So, I hope you'll join me for the ride as I work toward building a new life for myself and my kids. (see, in that sentence I'm feeling confident..that's good, right?)

Days Gone By

You'd think my first post in a good, long time (that's not just pictures, I mean) would be about something like...ummm...our summer holidays...nope...changes at work and the on-line courses I'm working on...nope...the kids' first day of school and how grades three and five are going for them...nope ...(although, I will be posting pictures of their first days soon...).

Nope, none of the above...

This post is about....

wait for it.....

the Keith Urban concert I went to on Thursday night!!!!

Well, as you can probably tell by the big letters and multiple exclamation marks, I had a fabulous time.

A couple of weeks ago, my original companions for the show had to back out due to medical reasons. So, that was disappointing. But, thankfully, I snagged a couple of more friends who wanted to go, so off we went.

Lady Antebellum opened for him and they were really good. It's so nice going to see an opening act that you actually want to see (hence my paranoia about being late and being completely anal with all the parties who had to change their schedules around for me to get to the concert on time...) and whose songs you know. They played for about 45 minutes.

Then after what seemed like an eternity, out came Keith!

What I've always found attractive about Keith Urban (besides, the obvious gorgeous, perfect face and killer smile, that is --and yes, he is that attractive in real life!) is that he always seems to be having so much fun when he's performing. And that came through loud and clear (REALLY loud, actually...) at the concert.

He's quite the ball of energy. He ran from side to side of the stage, all the while playing a variety of guitars.

Then, he got off the stage and made his way (surrounded by his security dudes, naturally) to a mini-stage toward the back of the arena (not far from where our seats were!). It was pretty cool. My friend, Sue, and I got as close as we could (abandoning her poor husband who stayed behind and took the pictures I've posted here and on facebook). As he got on his mini-stage, he announced "Who's got the good seats now?" Then, one of his roadies was beside us with a guitar and passed it to another guy to give to Keith, but when he did it hit my friend! Not hard or anything...and we kind of gave it a cosmic spin by saying "It touched you...and he touched it...so it's sort of like he touched you!" haaaa! (I guess you could safely call us "immature" or maybe even "delusional"...) Before he sang "Memories Of Us" he dedicated it to his wife. And we heard after the show that she was there, but we never saw her. I really wondered how they were going to get him off that stage, through the crowd that had gathered and back on to the main stage--but they did it! (I read yesterday that he uses his guitar and speed to move without incident...)

He had another foray into the audience where he went up in the stands and they plunked a microphone stand down and he stood there and sang. Can you imagine being behind him??

So, it was a really great night and just what I needed.

He put on a great show and I would definitely go see him again.

Patrick

So sad...

To Blog Or Not To Blog...

I've been pondering for a while whether I want to keep this blog going. I've gotten so lax about it and wonder if I could have said all that there is to say (stop snickering those of you who think I always have something to say...)

I look back at posts I've written and if I do say so myself, some of them are really good. And funny. And I like them. And lately anything I even attempt to compose (when I bother to try and think of something to write, that is) just pales in comparison.

And it's all so boring. (and I don't even think I even know how to write any more--good lord, just look at all those sentences I started with the word "and"!)

I could post about my holidays--but big deal...we went camping...here are the pictures--whoopy do! (and besides, I posted them on my facebook, and since most of you are also my friends on facebook, do you really want to see them twice?)

I sometimes wish I had created a bit more anonymity for myself on this thing, so I could rant and rave without going back and editing myself or risk totally embarrassing myself in front of those who might actually know me "in the real world".

Lately I've also been sort of protective of my family's privacy. I don't know why--nothing's happened--but I've watched a few news stories on just this issue and it really gets you thinking.

I've thought about making it private, and this is something I'm still mulling over. I'm just unsure as to how many readers I actually have and whether it's worth it for the 5 or 6 people I think might actually read this drivel. (Can you tell I'm sort of having a bad night?)

The dumb thing is, while I criticize my own content, I really do enjoy reading about the day-to-day happenings on other people's blogs and I still stay as current on reading them as I ever have.

So, that's what's going on...not a heck of a lot. I think the only reason I'm doing this now is because I'm having trouble sleeping tonight because too many things are running through my head. So, it was either pull a Michael Jackson or play around on the computer.

Later.

Ten!

Today I am the mother of a double-digit kid! How can that be??? More specifically--how did I manage to keep him alive for 10 years? Some days I really wonder.

Christopher is such a cool kid (well, what parent doesn't say that about their own child?)

He has loved nature-related things, specifically animals, his whole life. Having come back from camping, he is now changing his future career from paleontologist (which he decided he wanted to be when he was 2!) to naturalist. He has a huge collection of animal encyclopedias, books, etc. that I think would rival that section of the library and they have grown more in-depth and detailed as he's gotten older.

He continues to play hockey and although he likely won't ever be the top scorer of his team, his coaches have always held high regard for his positive attitude and good work ethic. I wouldn't trade that for all the goals in the world--although it is really cool when he gets them!

Christopher has lots of friends and next week he is going away with one of them for 4 whole nights. Yikes! I'm pretty certain in saying that I will miss him much more than he misses me. It's not that he doesn't love me, it's just that he's very secure and will have no problem with homesickness and I hope the family enjoys having him.

His brother thinks he is the greatest thing in the world--at the same time as being his biggest antagonist, causing Christopher to lose his cool more often than not. I guess that's just the plight of being the big brother.

He has grown from a temper-tantrummy 2 year old (say that three times fast!) to a mature young man who, most of the time, is a pleasure to be around.

As I look at him tonight, I can't believe that ten years ago right now I was holding a little red-headed bunchkin in my arms and wondering what his life would hold. He's made me so proud and happy to be his mom.

We love you, Christopher. Happy birthday!

July Bullets

So, it's been awhile and there are a few updates to report, so it's time to do it bullet style.

• I started an online Word course. I thought it was going to be a fairly basic course and my reason for taking this particular one was more to familiarize myself with the online part of it (receiving, sending assignments, tests, etc.) than the Word part of it. But, I just finished chapter 2 and I've already been exposed to some Word elements I've never used. I just might learn something after all and I'm thinking I'm not going to breeze through this quite as quickly as I had thought. I just submitted my first assignment tonight.


• We had Christopher's kids' birthday party last week even though his birthday isn't until the end of the month. I'm going to risk being called a bad mom here when I say "I HATE HOSTING KIDS' BIRTHDAY PARTIES!!!!" The family ones are easy enough, but the kids' ones always stress me out. I've gotten better though and sort of enjoyed this one--maybe because the kids were 10 and not as insane as they are when they're 5 and 6 and 7. We had the party here and although they're not my favourite things to host, having it here is awesome. This is the third birthday party Christopher has had here and Andrew also had his here in May. (oops...I forgot to post about that one...). Here's a few pictures from both parties.

Corn snake around Andrew's neck

I had to post this picture of the cupcakes I made for Chris' party. I think--actually I'm sure--that this is the first time I've actually baked anything for my kids' parties. (see--I told you I'm a bad mom--totally a "buy it from the bakery" kind of mom...) Christopher asked for cupcakes and I figured I couldn't screw them up too badly. They were a hit and the kids loved the gummy snakes and spiders on top that went well with the theme of the party.

• A couple of weeks ago we bought a fish tank at a garage sale. It was a pretty good deal--$15.00 for a 10-gallon tank including the pump, heater, decorative accessories, net and a bucket. But since then, we've been back and forth to the fish store about 10 times getting everything else we need (filters, bacteria, more gravel and a couple of plants). And yeah, FISH! We initially bought three little guppies (we were told not to buy our entire stock at once), but they lasted for about a week and sadly all died. We went back to the store to find out what we did wrong and it would appear that we overfed them. So, we bought three more fish and are taking another stab at it. I hope they last but I was told today that fish dying repeatedly in the first month of establishing a tank is normal and to be expected while the water is establishing itself to properly house a fish. Great. So, I told the kids not to get attached to any of the first fish we have. This deal of a tank is turning out to be a great big pain. I'm keeping my distance and making it more Mike's and the kids' project.


• We went camping for the first time this season. Mike had taken the kids a couple of weeks ago, but this was our first outing as a family. The weather was beautiful and we had a good time...too bad it was only for one night. Here are pictures I took at the water. It's not really a beach because it's on shale deposits and you have to be very careful not to slip and hurt yourself. Of course, Andrew did...not too seriously though. Everyone had a really good time.

• As those of you who are my "friends" on Facebook know, I had a bit of an accident on Saturday morning, prior to leaving for camping. I was taking a dish of hot cereal out of the microwave and it slipped and fell splashing on my left hand, left arm, left leg and right toe (who knew that oatmeal could jump!). It was pretty painful and I'm pretty blistered up. I went to the doctor yesterday and he prescribed antibiotic cream and also drained a bit from my pinky which was very swollen. For those who want to see, I snapped a picture of it at camping (before it was drained):

The blister is down now by about half of what it was in this picture. Everything else is healing as well, but I suspect I'll have some pretty nasty scars when this is all said and done.

That's all to report for now.

Bye!