Privacy

I've hesitated doing this, because I'm sure I'll have no readers at all if I do. But, I think the time has come to make this blog private.

Although I'm finding it therapeutic to write about some stuff that's going on with me now, I still need to be aware that the internet can sometimes be a big, bad place. I enjoy using this blog as a forum, but for the protection of my family, I will be making it private.

So, if you are interested in following me on it, leave me a comment with your e-mail address and I'll include you on the list.

Thanks.

Trust

I find it difficult to trust. Although that shouldn't come as a surprise based on recent events, it does sadden me and I hope it doesn't affect my life in the future.

Right now, I doubt everything. I keep being told "it's going to get better", and as much I want to believe that's true, right now, I can't even imagine it.

How do you get your brain to believe that things are what they appear to be, when your whole world has been turned upside down and when nothing is as you thought it was?

How do you even trust yourself when you forgive and try to move forward, only to be slammed by reality once again?

How do you forget that the person you trusted and loved the most, is the one who also let you down the most?

This Says It All...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yjxwj7uD_Qs

Just For Me

I didn't mean for it to be so long between posts, but life has a way of catching up to you, and that's very true for me, especially these days.

Counseling continues and it is a process. There are steps forward and then there are steps behind. I had honestly hoped and thought that by now there would be some sort of resolve one way or other, but we are still "a work in progress".

I've been reminded, numerous times, that patience isn't one my virtues, so the wait-and-see aspect of this all has not been easy for me. As sad and true as it is, I am a planner. I want to know what the future holds and I want to plan it to best benefit myself.

The only thing I can plan right now is how to take care of myself. Michael has to find contentment within himself and as much as I want to be there for him, ultimately he has to find happiness with himself, as I do in myself. When we both find that happiness, apart or together, we will also become better parents to our children.

So, I've got a couple of things I want to explore to take care of myself.

The first thing is massage therapy. I don't have any significant physical aches and pains, but I'm looking at it as more of a stress reliever. A couple of months ago when things were particularly difficult, I saw my family doctor. After a talk, he prescribed me an anti-depressant, which I reluctantly got filled. I researched it a bit and talked to countless people to garner their opinions. I ultimately decided not to take the anti-depressants. I want to make it clear that I am in no way passing judgement on those who choose to take and benefit from them. After weighing the pros and cons and doing a bit of self-analysis, I just didn't feel it was right for me at the time. So, I was interested in pursuing a non-medicinal way to stress relief. I've never had a professional massage, but I'm told it's WONDERFUL. But being the worry-wart I am, I have two concerns. One is that I'm EXTREMELY ticklish. Does it tickle? What if I squirm and wiggle myself right off the table? Will the massage therapist think I'm a complete idiot? (I had a pedicure a few months ago and that was pretty much a nightmare). The other thing is, I have trouble lying on my stomach. I always used to be a stomach sleeper, but had to have thoracic (chest) surgeries almost 20 years ago when I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Disease, and it was impossible to sleep on my stomach after that. Yes, it healed, but even then I found it difficult to sleep on my stomach and have been a side or back sleeper ever since. I don't even lie on my stomach on the beach.

Another thing I want to try is bottling my own wine. (I said non-medicinal, not non-alcoholic!) My sister and parents do it and they say it's pretty easy. I enjoy a nice glass of wine and although it's a lot of money at once, it comes out much cheaper in the long run than buying individual bottles at the liquor store. I just wonder if I will drink more (thereby NOT making it cheaper in the long run) if it's more easily acesssible. Hmmm...I think I'll take the risk--you know, for the sake of my stress level and all. :)

The last thing I've looked into is a yoga class. There is one in the spring at my neighbourhood community centre that I'm thinking of joining. Again, I don't really know much about yoga. I have this vision of peace and serenity and chanting and stuff and that's all good, but I think the reality is that yoga is much more difficult physically than I am imagining. So, I'm still sort of toying with that idea. Registration doesn't start for another month, so I have time.

So, that's it. I have said to many people that, one way or other, I'm going to be a better person at the end of the counseling, no matter what the outcome is. That's my goal and I hope I'm making progress toward it.

Bullets

Time to post some items of interest (or maybe not, but you're getting them anyways...) that aren't quite interesting enough to warrant their own post.

• My house is still standing and my children are still alive. That's important to report because, as a follow up to my previous post, they have been left alone for two times for about an hour each time. Both times occured on weekends during the day to allow me time to run some errands. Now they're clamoring to be left alone during the evening or night. While they and I are not ready for that yet, I'm happy with my decision to put some trust in them and give them a shot.
• I started a new course--English 1. A portion of the assignments are written reports. It would be nice if I could just hand in posts from this blog. Unfortunately, I can't--I had a look at the outline and the reports are very specific. A lot of it is grammar-based, which I don't anticipate a problem with, but I'm especially nervous about the oral presentation portion. Thankfully, it can be submitted electronically, so I don't have to look at any scowling faces--I just have to figure out how to use a microphone on my computer.
• Christopher is growing up and I'm reluctant to let it happen. The other day, two girls knocked on the door looking for him! He wasn't home, but we saw them sort of skulking around the neighbourhood and eventually, they found out where he was. He was being stalked! And how bold is this? They actually went to THAT house and called on him. While I can get on board with the stalking thing (yes, I've done stupid things in my past that makes me not even think this is weird...), I certainly was never brave enough in grade 5 to ring a doorbell of a complete stranger looking for a boy who didn't even live there! When I talked to Chris about it (and of course, I HAD to!), he just shook his head and sighed. He's such a boy!
• Michael and I have been to two counseling sessions. I'm not sure what to say about them. They've been difficult, interesting, nerve-wracking and a relief all at the same time. They're definitely not how I anticipated them to be, but at the same time, I know it was silly to think I could write the script for them before I went. Are they helping? Sometimes I think so, and sometimes I'm not sure. But, I'm doing OK. I can't predict our future with any certainty and it's a process we're going through.
• I need to start laughing again--and more often. That's my short-term goal for now.

Home Alone

Lately I have spoken to a few parents who have children in and around the same ages of mine who have started leaving them alone for short periods of time. I haven't had the courage or really, the opportunity to do it with my guys, but I'm starting to consider it.

Chris is 10 1/2 years old. I know that when I was in Grade 5, I would come home from school at lunchtime, make my own lunch and get myself back to school with no parental supervision because they were both at work. To the best of my recollection, there were never any issues (except when friends who stayed for lunch would come home with me and I don't think I ever quite told my parents--but nothing ever happened...). They stay at school for lunch, so it's not the same situation, but I wonder if they'd be OK for an hour or so if I had to go away on a weekend or something.

Chris is very responsible and I think he knows the right things to do. There are courses that are occasionally offered in staying alone and the next time one comes up, I intend to register him for it.

My hesitation comes in leaving them both alone together. What if they kill each other while I'm gone? What if Andrew goes outside and Chris is so wrapped up in something he's doing that he doesn't realize it?

I know I would have to instill rules and make sure they aware of how to handle emergency situations. And of course there's the always effective threat of "if you can't follow the rules while I'm gone, you will have to come with me to wherever I go--and that includes looking at ladies clothes!!!". Yup, that one ought to work. It always did for me (but the threat was more likely a fabric store or a bedding department...).

So, I'm interested in hearing from anyone who has children, no matter what their ages. When did you start leaving your kids alone? If your kids are around the same ages as mine (8 and 10), have you left them alone or are you considering doing so? Can you share any tips?

Would you leave these two alone in your home?

Unexpected

So, my life has had an unexpected turn of events.

Michael and I have had some long, not-always-easy conversations over the past three evenings and have decided to seek counseling for our marriage. Timing is everything, isn't it?

I am feeling lots of emotions about this. I am still extremely guarded and we both have huge trust issues that will need to be addressed. I am nervous as hell to sit with him in front of a counselor, because I don't know how it will go or what his reactions will be. Communication hasn't been our strongest suit lately. And counseling can't work if you don't open up--so that will be an interesting process. I am also sort of excited at the prospect, because I really hope through this process we will be able to find our way back to each other and rediscover the qualities that attracted us to one another in the first place.

I know after everything that has happened, there are those who are skeptical that this will prove to be successful. And I don't think I am going into it with false hopes. While I am going into this with the best of intentions and will give it all I have, I will still be protecting myself to never have to go through the pain of the past two months. I can't help that.

If I there is a positive side to the past two months, it will be that I know I don't NEED him in order to live my life. I have my kids, family, friends, and a decent job and I have myself. What I hope comes out of this is that we choose to have each other because we want each other to be there...not because financially or "for the kids", staying together is the best option.

He isn't moving back in at this time. The kids are not being told that "daddy is coming home". I am not wearing my rings. We are taking things one hour, one day, one week at a time and seeing where things go.

I Wish I Had Said That...

There comes a time when you must stand alone.

You must feel confident enough within yourself to follow your own dreams.

You must be willing to make sacrifices.

You must be capable of changing and rearranging your priorities so that your final goal can be achieved.

Sometimes, familiarity and comfort need to be challenged.

There are times when you must take a few extra chances and create your own realities.

Be strong enough to at least try to make your life better.

Be confident enough that you won't settle for a compromise just to get by.

Appreciate yourself by allowing yourself the opportunities to grow, develop, and find your true sense of purpose in this life.

Don't stand in someone else's shadow when it's your sunlight that should lead the way.

(I'm not sure I truly believe all this yet--but I'm trying... I really wanted to post this as a facebook status--but it was too long...)

Back At It...

Well, I don't know if anybody is still reading, but it's time to get back at this thing.

There has been a reason for the absence, and there's probably a reason for starting to write again--I'm just not sure what that is, but hopefully it will turn out to be something positive.

Over the Christmas holidays, Michael and I separated. Things started going badly in November (or probably well before that) and as much as I hoped they would turn out differently, they haven't. We decided to wait until after Christmas to tell the kids or make any major decisions. I wish the timing could have been better, but things rapidly detiororated in the weeks preceding Christmas and we told the kids on Boxing Day. It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, and I wonder how much I changed who my children are on that day.

I have been seeing a counselor and my family and friends have been solidly behind me.

I am a mess of emotion. At times I am terrified, at times I am furious, at times I am confident and at times I am very sad. These feelings often change from minute to minute and I can't predict anything anymore.

I don't intend on airing my marital dirty laundry via this blog because out of respect for the children and also for Michael, I don't think it's the appropriate thing to do.

My main goal in writing on this again is to hopefully look back on these posts one day and see how far I've come. Right now, that seems like a REALLY long way away.

I'm also intending for every post to not be a whining, crybaby session. Life goes on and the boys and I have one to live. I'd still like to share our everyday comings and goings and hopefully some of the old Susan is still in there and capable of sharing these things. (But the whining ones will still show up from time to time, I'm sure...)

So, I hope you'll join me for the ride as I work toward building a new life for myself and my kids. (see, in that sentence I'm feeling confident..that's good, right?)

Days Gone By

You'd think my first post in a good, long time (that's not just pictures, I mean) would be about something like...ummm...our summer holidays...nope...changes at work and the on-line courses I'm working on...nope...the kids' first day of school and how grades three and five are going for them...nope ...(although, I will be posting pictures of their first days soon...).

Nope, none of the above...

This post is about....

wait for it.....

the Keith Urban concert I went to on Thursday night!!!!

Well, as you can probably tell by the big letters and multiple exclamation marks, I had a fabulous time.

A couple of weeks ago, my original companions for the show had to back out due to medical reasons. So, that was disappointing. But, thankfully, I snagged a couple of more friends who wanted to go, so off we went.

Lady Antebellum opened for him and they were really good. It's so nice going to see an opening act that you actually want to see (hence my paranoia about being late and being completely anal with all the parties who had to change their schedules around for me to get to the concert on time...) and whose songs you know. They played for about 45 minutes.

Then after what seemed like an eternity, out came Keith!

What I've always found attractive about Keith Urban (besides, the obvious gorgeous, perfect face and killer smile, that is --and yes, he is that attractive in real life!) is that he always seems to be having so much fun when he's performing. And that came through loud and clear (REALLY loud, actually...) at the concert.

He's quite the ball of energy. He ran from side to side of the stage, all the while playing a variety of guitars.

Then, he got off the stage and made his way (surrounded by his security dudes, naturally) to a mini-stage toward the back of the arena (not far from where our seats were!). It was pretty cool. My friend, Sue, and I got as close as we could (abandoning her poor husband who stayed behind and took the pictures I've posted here and on facebook). As he got on his mini-stage, he announced "Who's got the good seats now?" Then, one of his roadies was beside us with a guitar and passed it to another guy to give to Keith, but when he did it hit my friend! Not hard or anything...and we kind of gave it a cosmic spin by saying "It touched you...and he touched it...so it's sort of like he touched you!" haaaa! (I guess you could safely call us "immature" or maybe even "delusional"...) Before he sang "Memories Of Us" he dedicated it to his wife. And we heard after the show that she was there, but we never saw her. I really wondered how they were going to get him off that stage, through the crowd that had gathered and back on to the main stage--but they did it! (I read yesterday that he uses his guitar and speed to move without incident...)

He had another foray into the audience where he went up in the stands and they plunked a microphone stand down and he stood there and sang. Can you imagine being behind him??

So, it was a really great night and just what I needed.

He put on a great show and I would definitely go see him again.